I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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