she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
