Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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