Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
