Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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