Your face is a jimmy john
she was so not down for the gang bang
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
