I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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