I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Text me some of your sweat
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
