clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
