Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
