I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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