Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
