Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
organizing the empties. That sober.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
