someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
