I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
