so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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