So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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