my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
