I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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