I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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