I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
