I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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