I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
