So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
