I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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