You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
