what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
