Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
