I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
