I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
