i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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