PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
