He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
