Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
