I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
