i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
