do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
