member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
