i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
