Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
