i jhust puked up my retainher.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
