my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
