the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
