oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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