So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
