dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
