I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
