im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
