Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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