I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
