Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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