Umm I'm too high to move.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
