you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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