Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
there was a trapeze. enough said
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
