Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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