i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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